Yet Another Existential Crisis Remedy
Returning home one evening from a casual walk, I met the night guard of our neighbourhood. A man in his 60s, he is short and thin with a dull wrinkled face and he walks with a limp in his left foot. But what’s distinct about him is the vigour in his eyes, making it seem like time didn’t have much effect his spirits. He was scrambling about some wood pieces, breaking them into smaller ones so as to feed the fire that would help him survive the chilly night. I greeted him casually, he looked up, smiled and suddenly his expressions turned as if he was reminded of something. His hands went to his jacket pocket and he began rummaging the stuff out of it. An old handkerchief, some loose cigarettes and then money. He took a Rs. 20 bill and handed it to me.
Confused as to what was happening because I don’t remember it being my birthday, and even if it was — how was the guard to know. As I looked above from the money to his face, I asked him —
“What’s this for?”
“Your father lent me this yesterday. I had no money to go back home, so I had to borrow it”, he replied.
My impulse was to not take the money and tell him that it’s alright, it’s just twenty rupees. But I didn’t and it dawned on me that it was not just twenty rupees to him. He was returning what he owed and he borrowed it, not begged for it. I could see in his gleaming eyes that he didn’t want to be treated like someone who needed help or be shown pity to.
Now I don’t remember what chain of thoughts collided inside my head but I randomly asked him:
“Do you like what you do? I mean, don’t you feel like you could be doing something else that doesn’t involve waking up all night long?”
Seeing how perplexed he went immediately, I realised the stupidity of my question.
“What’s there to like or not like in this? It’s my duty, it puts money in my pocket and bread in my stomach.”, he said as his expressions returned to normal. He looked around the empty street and resumed, “While I could point out many problems that I face, I try to enjoy it. The placidity of night, company of these dogs and getting to see sunrises; it’s usually not that bad.”
He emphasised again on how it all didn’t matter since it was his duty and responsibility.
I smiled along, trying my best to not make situation any awkward. Then placing the money in my pocket, I wished him a warm night and went inside the comfort of my home.
My mind, however, was still there — stranded in middle of the cold street. I kept pondering over how the old guard thinks about his job. He could be a sulky old man cursing life over why he has to be awake all night, with just street lights, his stick, aching back and cold winds to keep him company instead of his family. Does he have a family? I never asked him. How does he manages to be that cheerful? Does he really enjoy night watch-guarding? Has he ever gone through a phase of so-called existential crisis? Does he even know what that is?
Well, my simple guess is that he never had the privilege to experience it. He always had lower Maslow pyramid needs to take care of and thus these problems don’t exist for him. Looking around, we can probably spot many other people who are in total void of what this crisis really is. In some cases, our parents as well. All their lives has been to put a roof over our heads, keep our tummies full and make sure we get quality education. BUT. Does that mean we’ll deny this crisis that haunts us still? We know we can suffer even when we’re grateful for our psychological and physiological needs being fulfilled.
So, for once, I’d like to share a approach that helps me when am haunted by the vastness of universe, the impossible pace of the world, my minuscule existence among 7.8 billion conscious beings and never ending Mondays.
Let’s imagine one not-so magical night, at about 3 AM, everyone in this world are charmed by the fairy of existential crisis. Starting with our very own neighbourhood friendly guard, he sits there around his little fire wondering what the meaning of his existence is, how is he helping the world to move forward, what difference would it make if he ceases to exist very next moment. Randomly he decides to ring the bell to my home and share his agony with me.
As clueless as I would be to a definite solution, I’d probably tell him this. So while he just makes sure that people sleep alright, there’s no troublemaker in the streets, nobody’s car get stolen off and no house is broken into; his actions fundamentally eases life of people around him. Fast forward some hours, the neighbourhood is awake and people are heading to work. While they are driving off comfortably in their not-stolen-last-night car, they’re wondering what difference do they really make by doing very repetitive work and maintaining infinite power-points, excels and documents. And there I’ll be, sitting shotgun, telling them that while their presentation is not about how to setup a civilisation on Mars, but if they do their job properly they make lives of their clients a little easier.
Fast forward some miles, the clients are content that they have got their data and logistics sorted, but they are gloomy that all they do is manufacture these all sorts of nails and screws. And there I’ll be, standing by them in their factory, wearing a helmet and telling them to not screw it yet (see what I did there?). I’ll probably explain that while they are not solving world hunger problems directly, they are playing a part in building up complex machinery that positively impacts lives, making stuff easier for them. And onto the next set of connected people and on and on. You get the wind, right?
No matter how small you think your impact is, you’ll realise that even if it’s just a percent that you’re changing, it’s a percent. And that counts. You’re a cog in the wheel, and you play a part in making it move. Just like butterfly effect, try to align your work with your purpose rather than ambition and look ahead to see the difference it might eventually end up making. It could be as simple as leaving people better off than what they used to be before they met you. Do make sure it’s a positive one, we gotta spin the wheel forward, right?
